Feelings

Monday’s misty morning dog walk involved this stunning sunrise and some introspection.

I’ve been starting to feel very anxious about needing to begin the job search again in another month or so.  This time at home has made me realize how much I want to work from home doing something that is all mine, something that brings me joy and fulfillment, instead of something that ends up making me feel like I’m slowly dying inside. But what would that be, exactly?  I have no idea, but I’m looking into it.

Then I start to think that I should have thought of this sooner instead of “wasting” the last eight months, because now OMGTIMEISRUNNINGOUT!!  I know that’s not really true, but knowing and *knowing* are two different things.  You know?

The first three months at home I was overwhelmed with covid, watching the news 24/7 and doomscrolling social media.

The next three months I was thrown into the long overdue examination of my unconscious racial bias and learning how I can be better (still am), and waking up to the fact that even though the political status quo works for me it doesn’t work for everyone which isn’t okay, and what part can/do I play in it all.

If that wasn’t enough, I’ve spent the last two months following the presidential election way more than I ever have before, or ever want to again, honestly.

I’m finally, just now, feeling like I have the mental capacity to truly embrace this unexpected time at home and really use it for the rest, the reflection, and the mental/emotional recovery that I’ve been needing for years – thanks, depression!  I am daily (hourly) trying to shift my mindset to one of abundance instead of lack, so that the anxiety and worry don’t truly waste the rest of this season.

It’s not easy, but it helps to talk out the feelings, voicing them seems to lessen their power a little bit.

This concludes today’s therapy session. Don’t worry, I’ll refund your money.

(Yes, I realize my “problems” are nothing compared to others, but they’re still mine.)